You Update Your Facebook Status (I’ll Just Be Over Here Drinking)

This past Monday, if you were one of those ambitious characters who enjoy making the rest of us feel like lazy shits by bike riding through our hilly-AF neighborhood, you’d have been justly curb-stomped by the “refreshingly” cold wind in your face. You also would have been treated to the sight of a woman lounging…

What Student Loan Debt Really Looks Like

When I was 7 years old, I broke my teacher’s favorite coffee mug. Miss DeLong. She never said it was her mug, but her reaction to my faux-pas (the unfortunate and entirely accidental result of playing the hand slap game too close to her desk) suggested as much. I don’t recall the exact mug itself….

Vagina Wars

I’ve been at war with my vagina for about three decades. It’s unfortunate, feeling this way about such a powerful, awe-inspiring organ – one around which I shape most of my identity. The truth is, I’m not that stoked to be a woman. A lot of the time, it’s a huge drag. At 33, I…

To the Next Generation: Don’t Make Work Your Calling

I grew up with two hard-working parents who weren’t totally happy with their jobs. In fact, a lot of the time, they were walking tumbleweeds of worry and frustration. This led me to the (quite logical) conclusion that MY job should ALWAYS be enjoyable – and that the only way to accomplish this was to…

Star Treatment

In a sea of petty bitches + trick-ass ho’s, I was a real show pony.  I got a taste for fame at a young age. At a mere 9 years old, I was hand-picked to play the lead role in my local acting camp’s rendition of “Peter Pan.” I was kind of a big deal….

How to Un-Friend IRL

Ghosting is so 2018. Remember middle school? You’d start the year sitting with Jemima (or Betsy or whomever) at lunch, proudly declaring your friendship to the world with those glittery “best friend” heart necklaces from Claire’s. You’d plan sleepovers so you could choreograph fake music videos to Spice Girls and No Doubt while pretending to…